Sunday, January 08, 2006

Reflections

(written, or at least started, on note paper I found in my hotel room)

I'm lying in bed in my hotel room in Okayama. Winter vacation is over for me tomorrow. I'll be catching my plane back to Hokkaido just before noon. I'm not in the mood to watch any TV. So here I am thinking about my trip and what it meant to me.

Things happen for a reason. Of this I have no doubt. There are times, however, that I would like to know what that reason is.

Mind you, I’m not going to go all Job and be like, “Hey God, WTF?”

That kind of thing just makes Him mad.

I wonder why I bother anymore, though.

Let's look at what was good about going back to Shimane.

It was good to go back and visit my friends.
It was good to get away from Muroran for a while.
It was good to be in a familiar place, a place I knew.
It was good to be able to eat good soba. (This is a pretty important thing to me.)
It was good to talk to Hiroshi's folks and gain a new perspective on my situation.
It was good to recharge my circuits.
It was good to not have to think about work for two weeks.
It was good to talk with a lot of people about my situation in Muroran. I was able to refocus on the good and the bad of it.
It was good to go to Izumo Taisha on New Year's Day.
It was good to participate in the kitcho-san and shagiri festivals.
It was good to go out to the bars and be stupid with a bunch of my friends.
It was good to see her again and tell her how I felt.

I have to remind myself of these good things, because if I don't, I start focusing on the not-so-good/bad things.

Like how I was mildly depressed from Day One because I knew I would have to leave and go back to Hokkaido in two weeks.
Like how it didn't feel like I belonged in Izumo anymore.
Like how there were times it felt "off" being back there.
Like how I was only able to spend an hour with her.
Like how I painfully realized I had lost the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
Like how I found out she'd gotten over me.
Like how empty I felt after she told me that.
Like how I now realize that one of the main reasons I was able to get through the tough times is gone, and I'm not sure what I can do to get through the tough times now.
Like how I'm already missing my friends in Izumo.

Thinking back on these past two weeks, I have to ask myself, "Did I have a good time? Did I enjoy my vacation? Was it worth it going back to Izumo?"

For the most part.
I guess so.
Yes.

It was worth it because of both the joy and the pain.
It was worth it because of the fun times and the sad times.
It was worth it because I was able to see what I had in Izumo.
It was worth it because I was able to understand how happy I had been with her, and how sad I am without her.
It was worth it because I was able to realize what I gave up to come to Hokkaido.
It was worth it because I realize the high price I paid to leave, and knowing that, there is now way in hell that I am going to quit or wimp out of my new job. I lost too much to back out now.
My trip to Shimane. A painful, but necessary, lesson in letting go.

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