Tuesday, November 29, 2005


I have a question for all the male readers of The Muroran Chronicles.

Have you ever been head-butted in the gonads?


Consider yourselves lucky. I was the unfortunate recipient of a well-placed head-butt to the nether regions today.

I teach at the Starfish High's kindergarten every Tuesday. Yep. We have a kindergarten connected to our school. Sometimes I want to send my students over there for some remedial social training. But I digress...

Next month is the kindergarten's Christmas Program, and I am teaching the kids how to sing a couple of Christmas songs: "Angels We Have Heard On High" and "Deck The Halls". The kids are getting pretty good. It's still funny to practice with them, though, because they're really quiet on the "Deck the halls with boughs of holly" part, but then they get really loud every time a "Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la" comes around. No difference between kindergarteners in the States and in Japan. Kids are great.

So today, I was over helping them practice. When we begin a class over there, there is a warm-up song we have called "Jump Up and Down" where the kids (you guessed it!) jump up and down. I was jumping up and down too, and a kid in front of me lost his balance and fell towards me.

You have to realize that kindergarteners are short. So when this kid fell into me, his head hit me right square in the 'nads. Needless to say, ol' Dustin-Sensei falls over, coughing and gasping, as kids crowd around to laugh at the funny white guy whose face just went red.

That hurt...a lot.

I had to sit down and direct class for a while. The teacher asked me what was wrong, and I used a very discreet term (kyuusho) to describe where I'd been hit. This led to a bunch of kids saying, "Sensei, what's a kyuusho?" Fortunately, we were able to dodge the bullet on that one.

My DNA receptacles have taken quite a bit of punishment over here in Japan. Apparently little kids think it's funny to smack someone in the nuts. I curse them in the old tongue when they do this.

Let's see...I've been walking down the hallway, holding hands with a second-grade girl, laughing and talking when all of the sudden...WHAM!

I collapse. She giggles. I ask, "Why, God? Why?"

I've been in the hallway at a junior high school, talking with students, when a kid comes up from behind and...WHAM!

I collapse. He bursts out laughing. I quietly judge him.

I've been in the entrance to the staff room at an elementary school, talking with some students, when my Spidey Sense clicks on just in time for me to dodge a frighteningly well-placed punt to the family jewels. He still caught the corner. WHAM!

I collapse. He laughs. Enraged, I grab for him, but a teacher runs interference. Six points go up on the scoreboard. I actually had to go to the hospital with that one. The pain faded, as it always does, but about an hour later it came screaming back. "This is new...and unpleasant," I thought. The color ran out of my face and I went to the nurse's office to get an ice pack. The Vice Principal came in and told me to go to a nether region doctor he knew. So I went in to get my Dustin Jr. checked out, and as he's saying words like "bursting" and "loss of function", I feel my will to live slip away. As it turns out, all the equipment was fine. I pulled a groin muscle (snicker) twisting out of the way of the Happy Punter. That one was scary.

It's not just little kids, either. I've gone to congratulate a friend's father on winning some big prize in some big competition, when the drunk S.O.B. turns around, winds up, and...WHAM! Uppercut to the...


I collapse. He staggers into a taxi and drives away. I picture bludgeoning him with a baseball bat. I really did. I still harbor an unhealthy hatred for that man.

These episodes are merely the tip of the iceberg. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm placing my future children in the line of danger every day I go to work. Not so much anymore (Lord be praised!) though.

Maybe I should buy a cup.


Blogger PeacefulWarrior said...

Hey Dustin,

I would be willing to chip in some money for you to get some protection for your cojones! Such things should be guarded and protected like the gold in fort knox!


Wednesday, November 30, 2005 3:12:00 PM  

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