Monday, December 05, 2005

Rough Times

You ever have something happen where you just couldn't bend your mind around it?

Somebody tells you that something bad has occurred, and yet the mere thought of it remains inconceivable?

Incomprehensible.

Impossible.

But that's the reality.

So you try and tell yourself that it hasn't happened. (First Stage: Denial)

Yet, the more you try and avoid the truth, the more your mind comes back to it.

The more you lie to yourself, the more your inner voice tells you that you're lying.

There's a weird emptiness inside, because it hasn't sunken in yet.

It can't sink in.

It's too sudden.

Too shocking.

Too much to bear.

So you get mad. (Second Stage: Anger)

You get mad at the world.

At God.

At yourself.

At everyone and everything.

You're filled with anger and yet have no outlet for it.

That's the point I'm at right now.

At a midpoint between Anger and Denial.

Confusion, perhaps.

A student of mine died Friday.

She was at school the day before.

She was happy, energetic, fun to be around.

She had a really nice smile.

And now she's gone.

And I have to refer to her in the past tense.

And I can't make any sense of it.

And I don't know how to react.

And I don't know how to grieve.

And I don't have anyone to talk to.

And I have to be strong.

And I have to carry myself in the "proper" way.

And I'm not sure how to do that because I'm not Japanese.

And the Japanese way of doing things doesn't make sense here.

And I feel like crying.

And the tears won't come.

And I can't accept it.

And the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach tells me it's true.

And it sucks to be alone in this apartment right now.

And part of me wants to drink myself to sleep to kill the pain.

And another part knows that alcohol won't make the pain go away.

And I want to be with other people to take my mind off of this.

And Japanese propriety tells me that I can't have fun or do things for myself for "a while".

And I don't know how long a while is.

And I know I have to grieve in my own way.

And I wonder how the other students will take it.

And I wonder if I can be strong for them.

And I want to do the right thing.

And I miss her.

(I originally posted this on Friday, but, for various reasons I will not go into further here, I had to pull it down and do a little more work on it. The message remains the same.)

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